Timberlake can have sexy. I'm bringing Flip doodle back!

It seems like everyone has some of their own unique euphemisms. I know I always liked yelling, "What the smell?" at church camp. Counselors did not like it. Holy schnikes was a great one from Tommy Boy. Shiznit is a Dickie word (from Dickie Roberts). And then there's Flip doodle! I was unloading tables from a truck with the associate pastor at my last church when he dropped a table on his foot. He exclaimed, "FLIP DOODLE!" I asked, "flip doodle?" He confirmed that is what he said. I had never heard this one before, but it instantly became my new favorite. It became popular in youth group with a couple of the teenagers, as well my leaders and myself. I never told them where it came from, because I didn't want them making fun of him. After all, he was a nice guy who just happened to produce the best euphemism ever. I accidentally let it slip in Sunday school one time, but I think it worked the opposite way; they gained even more respect for him as a result. It's so versatile. It seems like it can be subsituted in any swearing situation.

It's my goal to make flip doodle a popular expression. I'm bringing flip doodle back. I want to slip it into as many promo videos as I can. I've been in a promo video the last two weeks, and I've worked it in twice. I might even make it a point to say it the next time I preach. Who knows? Here are the two videos it has made it into.

Camp New Hope Promo from Jeff Selph on Vimeo.

FLIP DOODLE!

reading people

I have always been good at reading. I remember the first time taking a standardized test in 3rd grade and scoring on a 9th grade reading level. The next year, I scored on a 12th grade reading level. I read my first John Grisham novel (The Pelican Brief) in 4th grade. Sadly, I do not read people as well as I read books. I try to, but I have definitely been really wrong about some people. Sarah, on the other hand, can tell you after meeting someone whether or not they're any good. Of course, I tell her she's wrong and can't know that about someone, that is right up until the point my back is bleeding again. She's really good at this. I could give you a list of people I thought were okay to good people, contrary to what Sarah perceived, and found out I was way off. I could, but I won't. That's mean.

I think it comes down to this: I am on a 4th grade people reading level, and Sarah is on a Master's level. I treat you like a picture book: I gather all I can by thumbing through the pages, looking at the pictures, and putting together what I can from that. Sarah will read you like a novel. She'll look you in the eyes, pay attention to how you carry yourself, listen to how you speak, see your mannerisms, discern you motives, and put it all together and sum you up - and she's usually right. I can really only think of 2 people she was off on, and I think she was only off, because she really wanted to give these individuals the benefit of the doubt. I have gotten so upset with her with some of her judgment calls, especially when I desperately want her to be wrong. She ruined it for me. I wanted to look at the pictures, and she was discussing the plot. And she was right.

How do you read people?

conquering your pits

Is it weird that I feel my greatest accomplishment as of late is driving all the way to Michigan and not having to change shirts when I got there? It's true. I wore a light gray t-shirt that stayed light gray for the entire trip - no big dark gray circles. I didn't even have to change shirts when I arrived, and I'm pretty sure that's the first time that's ever happened. I have found a great new antiperspirant, but it's not Axe Dry. I only tell you this, because I want a reason to post this video on my blog. It's one of my new favorite commercials, and the only Axe commercial that isn't offensive. Well, it's not offensive to me. I know some people that would be queezy from it.

awesomely amazing alliteration antics

One thing I've always enjoyed about my home church is my pastor's ability to preach so well while alliterating everything. I find that his points are easier to remember, for me, because if I remember at least one point, I have a good clue for figuring out the other points. I'll be honest, sometimes I find some of the alliterations to be a stretch for me, but those are the ones that I remember the best. Sometimes I remember, because I have to go look in a thesaurus or dictionary to understand what I just heard!

I wish I could find an alliterated paragraph I wrote about pastor's and their alliteration skills from about 8 years ago. It focused on the letter P, as that was the letter that seems to be the most commonly used for this. It was definitely an homage to my pastor.

This weekends morning message was great. It was a good reminder of what church should look like, as opposed to what we want it to look like. Yes, the points were all alliterated, which was great, but the best part was at the end of the message. He was talking about who there is room for in the church, and he finished strongly with a flurry of alliterations. It blew me away. It would be worth your time to go HERE and give it a listen.

my wife is cool. is yours?

This post is totally inspired by Katdish's post on her honorary man card achievement. It made me think of how cool my wife is. Sarah is not your typical wife. She's my best friend, and not just because it's the proper, sweet, romantic thing to say. I would literally rather hang out with her than anyone else, and that is not at the cost of doing things that I think are cool. Sarah doesn't like what a lot of women like, and she loves what most women do not.







Sarah does not...

• like sitting around and gossiping
• bad mouth me when she gets together with the girls
• like knitting, crocheting, stamping, or any other girly activity
• read romance novels, watch soap operas or any other steamy TV show, or romantic movies
• complain to me about how other women are pretty, skinny, or well dressed
• want to spend all of our money on shoes, purses, and outfits that will go out of style next season
  

Sarah does...

• like metal and hard rock
• have a tattoo (and not a lame colorful flower or animal) and design my tattoos for me
• like movies with lots of killing
• think my crude jokes and farts are funny
• act ridiculous in public. I never get in trouble for embarrassing her anymore. We take turns embarrassing each other now.
• love sports, especially hockey
• wear a lot of black, which is slimming, but not on her. She's already very slim.
• think I'm good looking. Silly her.
• look beautiful. I think she looks hot, but I'm not allowed to say that. She reads my blog and will get after me if I say that. So I won't.

My life is enriched by the fact that my wife is awesome. I married up - way up.

you can't judge me...or can you?

"You can't judge me!" ~ Quote made famous by many who were doing wrong, knew it, and didn't want to hear about it.

I'm not a big fan of the "you can't judge me" crowd, but I'm also not a fan of modern Pharisees that see fit to judge everyone but themselves. I think that most people misunderstand the rules on judging. It's not being judgmental for me to say, "You really shouldn't be killing old ladies." If I see you about to kill an old lady, I will stop you. If you say, "you can't judge me," to me, I will slap you. It is not judging someone to state a fact of right and wrong.

You are allowed to judge what is right and what is wrong based on the Bible (please don't judge sin in others' lives based on the Bible if you don't really know what the Bible says and where it says it, though. You may just be regurgitating a Pharisee's opinion, not the Word). Sin is sin. You should not be judging me, however, if you have a big piece of wood in your eyes. You also should not be judging my motives. It's not your right to say why I do what I do for God. Am I doing it for selph promotion or truly wanting to serve God? You will never know, and you really shouldn't speculate. But if you notice I am doing something erroneous, you should certainly sharpen my ironically (yeah, I know I'm misusing that word) using the standards set out in Matthew 18:15-20.

You certainly may judge me if you are in a position to do so. It won't bother me. Actually, it will, but I have it coming, don't I? I'd rather be aggravated by your pointing out my flaw than continue upsetting God. If you are more concerned with someone "judging you" than you are with pleasing God, than you are wrong. I know, I know...don't judge you. I just did. That just happened. Shake and bake.

fart face and the birth of the vulgie monster

My mom did her best. She really did. She always corrected us when we were being vulgar. One such incident was when Dan and I decided it would be funny to continually call each other "fart face." It still is funny. It makes me smile. We were very young, maybe 3 and 4. She told us not to say that, because it was vulgar. We thought she was correcting our word usage: it wasn't a fart, it was a vulgar. We did the best we could. When Dad got home from work, we impressed him with our new found vocabulary by calling him a new nickname: he became the Vulgie Monster. We couldn't say vulgar; vulgie was all we had in us. And if those were vulgies, than he was the Vulgie Monster. I can still hear one of my mom's most used phrases: "John, take a lecithin." Apparently lecithin makes you not fart as much or smell as bad. I'm not sure which, but I should pick some up at the pharmacy.

Someone should have told these guys that "fart face" was vulgar. It could have saved a man's life.



Today also happens to be my mother-in-law's birthday. I'm sure she'll be happy to have this attached to this post. Happy birthday, Mom! I love you.

the real bad guy in Willy Wonka

I love Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I was excited that I was finally preaching a message that could have a scene from it worked in. I watch it every time I take a sick day from work (I watched it in full yesterday and then went to sleep with it on later), and many other times throughout the year. There is one character, though, that makes me mad every time I watch it. No, not Veruca Salt, although she is quite aggravating - Grandpa Joe gets under my skin. For 20 years, he lays in that bed, doing nothing but stinking up the place, but then when some great opportunity presents himself, he's up singing and dancing. What is that? He tries to be noble by saying he won't smoke anymore, but seriously, no one would care if he smoked if he was out earning a paycheck to support the family. He almost cost Charlie everything by convincing him to drink Fizzy Lifting Drink. Then he almost blew it again when he wanted revenge. Good thing Charlie is a boy of character. This is all surface stuff, though. Here's what really bothers me about him:

Grandpa Joe is your typical leader, and by leader, I mean someone in a position of leadership, not a real leader. He wants all the glory but none of the blame. When the last ticket was found, he was dismayed that Charlie had failed to find the ticket. Yes, indeed Charlie had failed. It wasn't a collective failure, cause Grandpa Joe was in bed the whole time, doing nothing. The next day, Charlie runs home, busts through the door, and shows off the Golden Ticket HE had found. What does Grandpa Joe do? He drags his wrinkled butt out of bed for the first time in 20 years and starts singing, "I've got a golden ticket..." He was willing to take credit for the success, but incapable of admitting his failures. He sounds like many a guy I've met.

You show me a guy that is unwilling to accept the blame for the problems in an organization he was running, and I can probably show you a guy had very little to nothing to do with any of the success that organization had. He was just in the right place at the right time, and more than willing to accept the accolades bestowed upon him.

Happy Mother's Day, God doesn't just want you happy, and Smiffner's real name is...

I think that's the longest blog post title I've ever had, but I had to cover all my bases.

First, Happy Mother's Day to Sarah, our moms, our sisters, Grandma, and Aunt Sue. You are all tremendous. Thanks for everything.

Second, I've embedded the video of my sermon from this weekend. Does God just want us to be happy in life? No, I wouldn't say He does. This is my favorite sermon ever, because Sarah joined me on stage to share her testimony and to announce our baby's gender and name. She did an awesome job. So what are we having? Well, have fun watching Sarah do a great job. I'm forcing you to go watch her to find out. :)

Urban Legend: God just wants me to be happy from Jeff Selph on Vimeo.

Coming This Fall

One thing I really miss about being a youth pastor is the teenagers. I liked hanging out with them, going to their games, meeting them for lunch, going to their band and choir concerts, etc. I really enjoyed putting my time into them to let them know they meant something to me. We had a kid in our youth group for a time named Travis that was the lead singer in a band. Even after his family left our church, Sarah and I went to a few concerts to see him and ate at a restaurant we didn't particularly care for to see his sister. There was no personal discord between us. They just woke up before me.

The name of the band is Coming This Fall (CTF). They sound like something you'd expect to be on Tooth and Nail's record label. I don't really know who to compare them to, except that the guitar sounds like early Anberlin to me. Click the banner above to go to their myspace page and listen to their music, or just watch the video below. Enjoy!