what is a chumpstain?

Throughout my marriage, I have shocked and awed Sarah with some of the things I say and do in my sleep. For instance, when I was working full time and going to school full time, I was a tired guy. It took me a while to adjust to this fatigue. For the first month of it, I would come home from work at 10:30 PM and crash right away. Once I'm asleep, I do not like being disturbed. Sarah knew this, so I say she took a calculated risk when she decided that working out in the bedroom when I was asleep. She was lifting weights on my side of the room, right next to the bed, and I guess I didn't like it. When she was bent over noisily adjusting the equipment, clanging metal on metal, I half rolled out of bed and kicked her right in the tooshy.

You would think Sarah would have learned her lesson about messing with a sleeping me, but nope, she didn't. One day, while I was crashed on the couch, she decided she wanted to do some laundry. She wanted to do all the whites, including the undershirt I was wearing. She came and nudged me and asked for it. I squirmed and mumbled, and I definitely did not concede. She decided to try to get the shirt off of me herself. This didn't work either. I wriggled more, and more angrily grunted, like Tim Taylor. Finally, I sat up straight pretty quickly and looked right at her. She thought I was annoyed enough to give her the shirt. Nope. After a couple of seconds, I laid down again, only with my head on the other side of the couch. Ever persistent, Sarah walked over to the other side of the couch and continued her pursuit. I didn't take this well at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I got angry, although I was asleep, so I can't say for sure. After I felt she had gone too far, I sat up again, looked right at her again, and said very caustically, "LAY OFF ME, CHUMPSTAINS!" Then I laid back down and slept like nothing had ever happened. I'm pretty sure that Sarah will never attempt to de-shirt me while I sleep ever again, lest she face the wrath of sleepy time Jeff.

By the way, I'm really not sure what a chumpstain is, but it sounds like a horrible combination of a chump and a stain. I'd never used the phrase before this, but I've been sure to use it often since then.

come out and be separate...while imitating the real thing

I grew up in a typical Christian home. That means we never really celebrated Halloween, although it was not for your typical reasons. My parents seemed okay with someone else buying candy for us instead of paying for it themselves, but my mom is a very paranoid woman. If it could happen, it would...twice. There were some reports of awful people putting razor blades into candy in Detroit a long time ago, and so my trick or treating days were over before they started. Even after we moved to peaceful, religious Grand Rapids, my mom feared and forecasted the worst. We would, however, get to go to the mall every Halloween, eat at the food court, and hit up every store for candy. We got a decent enough take, and my mom did not have to inspect any of it with a black light.

I was not alone in my non-celebration of Halloween. I had lots of Christian friends whose parents would not let them partake in the devil's holiday. Dressing like Superman and filling a pillowcase with candy is something only the devil could come up with. So instead, a lot of my friends would go to local churches to have fun at a Harvest Party or a Trunk or Treat. This was the church's idea of doing something counter cultural and shunning worldly practice. It's how they came out from the world and became separate. How was this accomplished? The kids wear costumes, get candy, and party on October 31. That sounds like a really good idea! It's nothing like Halloween at all! Finally, an alternative to the devil's candy gathering practices.

beware of falling walnuts

Fall is that magical time of year when the leaves start changing to vibrant colors (unless you live in Florida), transitioning to brown, and then falling down onto the ground. The changing of the leaves is something that I think most people look forward to. Unfortunately, the changing of the leaves is followed shortly by the raking of the leaves. That's less beautiful and not really enjoyable.

Leaves are not the only things that fall from the trees this time of year. You also have walnuts all over the place. I didn't know they were walnuts when I was a kid, because I'd seen them in stores, and they never looked like tennis balls. I remember when I found out they were walnuts, though. My friend had a walnuts all over their backyard. We played over there all the time. One day, we were playing "kick the can" - a variation of hide and seek - and my brother was "it." He spotted me, I took off, and he gave chase. During this particular round, the can meant for kicking was in the middle of the backyard, where the walnuts were waiting. I jumped the fence and started down the hill, towards the center of the backyard, when my foot came down on a walnut. Consequently, my face came down on a pretty big garden rock. I'm so tough that I wasn't knocked out by the blow, but not so tough that I didn't get right back up, crying, and run home to my mom. I told her what happened, she explained that I needed to be careful about not running around where there were walnuts on the ground, and I went back to play. Everything was good.

That night, however, I had a nightmare. I was asleep, and I became restless. My mom checked on me, to see if I was okay, and in my sleep I gave her a warning that she (and whoever I was talking to in my dream) should heed: "beware of falling walnuts!" I don't remember the dream, but I imagine it was like the Terminator, only the walnuts were killing humans instead of machines.

my little ponies are for tough guys

I think I felt old again last night. One of the guys in our new youth group said to me, "Hey, I just realized that your shirt is G.I. Joe, like the movie." I corrected him and told him that I've had it a while, and I like to consider it a G.I. Joe shirt, like the cartoon and the action figures. His response? "I didn't even know there was a cartoon. When was that?" Thanks, buddy. I'll go home and put on my cardigan and take out my teeth now.

I grew up playing with G.I. Joes. They were the best toys. You might recall that they were also on some pretty awesome undies. You could buy all kinds of vehicles for the action figures, from jeeps to helicopters to boats. They didn't have any horses, though, and everyone knows that soldiers like riding on horses when doing their killing. So my brother Dan and I decided to resolve this issue. We hijacked our sister Lisa's My Little Ponies. The only problem was that their flowing pink or purple hair made our little friends look like the mini Village People. So we gave all of her My Little Ponies haircuts. They looked pretty tough with mohawks. Neon colored mohawks were very common with some pretty rough and tough people in the late 80's and early 90's. Problem solved.

walking barefoot

My dad had a rule that was contradictory to most parents: always wear shoes in the house. It wasn't that he loved having dirt tracked through the house, but he didn't want us stubbing our toes and breaking them or stepping on something that could really hurt us. I'm not sure if it was out of concern for us, or because he didn't want to be bothered with that stuff. He really loves us, compassion is not his strong suit. So if I stepped on something and it cut me or I stubbed my toe pretty good, his first question wasn't, "Are you okay?". He wanted to know why we didn't have our shoes on. That may sound cold to some (probably not anyone that reads my blog, since I scared away all the sensitive people long ago), but it's not like he didn't warn us. Breaking that rule led to our getting hurt. No sense complaining to a guy who knew it would happen; he knew, and so he made a rule.

I think that's how a lot of Christians are. I know I am. I've screwed up a few times here and there, and when I do, it tends to lead to some kind of hurt in my life. Then I take my problem to God and ask Him to kiss my boo-boo and make it all better. That's not how it works, of course. Some times it takes time for those boo-boos to heal, depending on how stupid my stunt was, and I shouldn't get impatient with Him while I wait.

Don't get mad at God when you stub your toe, when you're the one walking around without shoes on.

America's politicians never had a chance

During my Bible reading this morning in Isaiah 33, I was reminded of Capitol Hill. It sounds like most of our politicians might be in trouble some day. I hope verse 15 describes me. I wish it described the people we've elected to represent us. And for my friends on the other side of the political spectrum, worry not: I'm talking about both sides. Anyway, it doesn't sound like there's much of a chance of them living in any rocky fortresses in the future.

15 The one who lives righteously
and speaks rightly,
who refuses gain from extortion,
whose hand never takes a bribe,
who stops his ears from listening to murderous plots
and shuts his eyes to avoid endorsing evil —
16 he will dwell on the heights;
his refuge will be the rocky fortresses,
his food provided, his water assured.

there's no place like home

Have I mentioned how excited I am to be back home? I grew up in Grand Rapids, which isn't Kalamazoo, but it's close enough to feel like home to me. People from either city travel to the other all the time, especially grandparents and prodigal sons.

There are definitely some things that I have missed about living in West Michigan. I miss different things about the different places I've lived. In Florida, I mostly miss a bunch of individuals; in Ohio, I miss more families as a whole. Here's just a quick list of some of the more important things I've missed from home:

• Family
  
• Friends
  
• Cousin's Tasty Chicken
• Fox Sports Detroit
• Street lights
• The S-Curve at high speeds (not with Jakob in the car, of course)
• Good bagels
• And squirrels the size of my dog
  

it won't be easy, but it won't be as hard as some things...

I start my new job tomorrow, and I am pumped! I will be the Director of Youth and Children's Ministry (yes, that is a very long title). I actually interviewed for this job several times. I had a phone interview initially. The second time, I had lunch with the staff, an interview with Brenda, an interview with Dave, and then a Q&A with what felt like 50 people. That wasn't all, though. I came back up for a meeting with the elders, and a bonus interview with Brenda. A huge thanks to Big Ben for traveling with me, since Sarah was not able to make it in her pregnant condition. Finally, the job was offered, and you might guess that I accepted, since I start tomorrow. It was an intensive process, and it seemed like a long one, too, but it didn't really take that long. It took just long enough.

One question I was asked in every meeting/interview was if I thought it was possible for one person to lead both children's and youth ministry. I think it's possible, but it will certainly be difficult, but that's no big deal. My job at New Hope was difficult, and at times frustrating. My job at Baymeadows was more frustrating than difficult, but it was certainly trying. I expect every ministry position I take to be difficult, but people make it bearable. The people I've ministered to in my last two stops have made it worth every bit of frustration I've dealt with, and I expect that the awesome people of Kalamazoo Community will do the same.

Being a pastor is difficult. Few would question that. But there is one thing that is more difficult than being a pastor: having a mustache. It's true. I'm not the only one that feels this way. Check out this video:

I will not play matchmaker

I love my parents, and I'm really glad they found each other and married each other. Even though one is mature, and the other not so much; one is loud, the other quiet; one bold, and the other easily embarrassed, they are perfect for each other. They clearly did well when picking the other for life, and they set a good example for their kids on how to interact with our spouses. So if they were so right when they picked each other, how come they were so horrible at picking matches for their kids? What happened?

I can think of a few girls they would have really liked to see me or Dan dating when we were teenagers (being so close in age, we had to share horrible suggestions from them). I can't list any specifically, because you might know these girls and show them this. I will tell you this, though: there wasn't a single girl that they suggested for me that happened to be on my list of girls I would date.

And so, I have vowed never to try to play matchmaker for Jakob. You apparently lose your ability to know what's once a child enters into the equation. I don't want him having a blog one day where he will write about the ugly girls I tried to fix him up with over the years. I will leave matchmaking to Yente.



I should note that before Dan even met Katey, my parents were really high on her. They suggested that one of us date her (they never cared which one). If they had only suggested this to Dan, they would have been absolutely right. By suggesting the same thing to both us, they can only get half credit, which is more than they ever got.