broken

God speaks through music. Why, I learned just today that Jesus is my friend. I was very pleased. Music means a lot to me. Sometimes I get in a mood where all I want to do is live and breathe music. Of course, being tone deaf and hideously monotone, I try to only breathe music in...no one wants to hear me exhaling music. There have been times that I have taken my mp3 player, hidden the ear buds under my helmet, and gone for a long motorcycle ride. Those were times of escape for me.

I remember a particular time when God just grabbed my heart and wouldn't let go. The night before, Sarah had broken down crying, telling me how miserable she was. God had finally turned the tide. I had been fighting God for almost 4 months at that point. Fighting Him about whether I should leave my current church at the time and go somewhere else. Four months before, I had only been on staff for 6 months, so in my mind, there was no way I was reading it right. But I remember telling my replacement that I needed to start training him to replace me. He was surprised, but I assured him it would be quite a while before that happened. I was, of course, wrong as usual. God was asking me to get ready to leave, He was telling me to leave. The first time God told me to go was Sunday, November 4, 2007. I remember it clearly.

February of this year was particularly hard for me. I knew I needed to leave, but I was holding on. God was throwing reason after reason at me to leave, but I stood there and took it. Pride had a lot to do with it, but so did my being attached to my youth group. Finally, on February 28, I gave Sarah my word that I would find another job. It wasn't until the next day, though, that I promised God. I was riding my motorcycle, listening to music (illegal, I know), and I stopped home for lunch. On my way into the lot in front of our condo, "Breathe Into Me," by Red came on. I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as I listened to them sing about my life. I walked into my home, threw my helmet to the ground, laid face down in the middle of my living room, and just started crying and asking God to forgive me for my stubbornness, and pleading with Him to fix the mess I'd made. I was broken before Him. I couldn't move. But I could feel Him loving on me.

Here are the lyrics that punched me right in the throat:

And this is how it feels when I
Ignore the words You spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself
Wen I keep running away from you

And then I just listened to the rest of the lyrics, which are worth your time. I know they spoke to me, because I was ignoring God. We've all done it. I hope you're not now. If you are, stop it!

Oh, and I know I'm a dates freak. I shouldn't remember exact days like this, but I can't help it. But I still can't remember people's names. It's a real shame.