I couldn't let go, and neither can He

One week ago today, Sarah and I stayed at her Aunt Sue’s house, because we wanted to get up at 4:00 AM, as opposed to 3:15 AM.  I was headed to Dallas, but not before I stopped in Baltimore and Atlanta.

Her house is not baby proofed.  So while Sarah was getting ready for bed, I was ruining Jakob’s life.  He was squirming and fighting to get away from me.  Aunt Sue has this awesome fan that we use whenever we stay there, and it is not baby safe.  The cover that goes over the fan has a little bit wider grating on it, so a little guy like Jakob can fit his fingers in there.  That is exactly what he wanted to do, but I could not let him.  I looked him in the eyes, and he looked back at me.  Tears were pouring out of his, and he looked so hurt by my not letting go.

I was getting very upset with his behavior, because it was getting late.  Then I had a great idea: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I have an episode on my computer that I downloaded from iTunes.  I turned it on, and he settled down.  The muscles in his arms and shoulders lost their tension, and he scooted up into my arms.  He laid down right by me with a big grin on his face.

I wasn’t rewarding his defiance, because I did not give him what he wanted.  I did not let him do something that would have hurt him.  But I do love him, and I wanted to give him something to do instead that would benefit him without hurting him.  I held him when he wanted to get away, which made him cry, because I love him.  I held him while he watched Mickey mouse, which made him smile, because I love him.  I held him while he slept – when he didn’t even know I was there caring for him – because I love him.

As I stood and worshipped at the D6 Conference, the words of the song, “You Never Let Go,” started tugging at my heart.  The words, “Oh, no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm.  Oh, no, You never let go, in every high and every low.  Oh, no, you never let go.  Lord, You never let go of me,” resounded in my heart.  It wasn’t that I was thinking, “Hey, I was a lot like God last night.”  What ran through my head was, “Man, sometimes I’m just like Jakob, and he’s a baby.  But I know better.”

He holds on.  Though I put up a fight sometimes, He holds on tightly to keep me from hurting myself.  Sometimes I cling to Him, and He holds me.  Other times, He holds me and cares for me and protects me from unforeseen harm, and although I don’t always know that He’s working to protect me from this or that, He does it, because He loves me.

He never lets go, no matter what.  He never lets go, because He loves me.  I love You, too.